Today’s blog is not about animals, my teapot, or the Amish. It is about a broken heart, tears, love, struggling, and Mom. It is about a few journal entries written from my heart one month after Mom’s death. It is my hope that my words will help those who have lost a loved one, or maybe struggling with a loved one’s illness. It is also my hope that through my words, the sun will begin to shine and you dear readers, will find rays of hope.
January 13, 2014
Mom, one month ago today you passed from this world to a beautiful, loved filled home, named Heaven. I know you are enjoying your family, and can only imagine the laughter, hugs and kisses going on right now. The last four weeks have not been easy but knowing you are with your family and our Lord, makes my heart feel at ease. I keep going back to those last few days when your health declined rapidly. As I watched you sleep, I thought back to the day you came to stay with me. I was very nervous, and prayed for strength.
I watched you struggle with your feelings. One day, during your nap, I heard you say, “No! No I won’t!” You were crying when you woke up and I remember kneeling by your bed and asking you what was wrong. You told me that your mother said she would be coming to take you home when it was your time. Mom had other dreams where her family told her they would be there soon. She fought those dreams until one evening, after everyone left and she and I were together. Mom had dosed off then opened her eyes and pointed to the ceiling. I asked her what was wrong. She said, “Don’t you see them?” She then named many of her sisters, brothers, mother, father, and my late husband, Lambert. Mom changed that day. There was a calmness in her eyes and acceptance in her heart. I decided to choose a word that expressed my feelings today, I chose; grateful. Grateful for the opportunity to take care of the woman that gave birth to me. Grateful for her love and all the many things she taught me. Grateful for her sparkly blue eyes and sense of humor. Grateful for her love of music and passing that on to her children. Grateful for my brother and sisters, and the love, compassion, and help that they always showed Mom. Grateful for the many years I had with the woman who encouraged me, loved me, cried with me and sang with me the last Christmas season of her life.
We all prayed for you to be healed. You really believed that with all the prayers, you would be healed. Although, miracles do happen, I believe that God answers prayers in one of three ways; yes, wait, and no, I have something better planned for you. He answered your prayer on December 13, 2013. The day you made your journey to Heaven.
January 14, 2014
I loved making your breakfast and reading parts of the newspaper to you. Your favorite part was the obituary page. Some days you knew one or two who past and some days they were strangers. In the beginning you could get around with very little help. I think it made you feel good to have a some independence. Donna and I took you to your apartment building to let you visit with friends and just to sit on your own furniture and eat lunch on your table. We knew you enjoyed the visit, but could see the sadness when we left. Mom loved to tell silly stories to her nurse, Sara, and we will not even mention the sexy question she asked our pastor. That was our Mom! We knew something was going to bubble out of her when her blue eyes sparkled and she hesitated to speak. We knew she was thinking, about what, was anyone’s guess. Mom was a hoot and I miss her wit so very much. I was brave Mom. I had to be for Donna, Emma, and Lee. Today’s word is faith. I am trusting my faith to get me through this most difficult time.
January 15, 2015
A very rainy dreary day. I miss you so much today but am more productive. She would have wanted me to get on with my life no matter how hard it was. I thought about all of the death you saw Mom over the years. I cannot even imagine the tears you shed losing fourteen brothers and sisters, along with your parents. My heart breaks thinking about it. You were a very brave woman. I don’t know if I would have been able to carry on; but you did. You loved watching the old game shows and played along with them. You made me laugh, when the contestants did not know the answer, but you did. My word for today is joy. You filled my life with bubbling over joy. Thank you!
January 16, 2013
When I think back to my journey with Mom, tears often come. I witnessed her walking well to not walking at all. I remember calling my brother, Lee and sisters, Donna and Emma in a panic when Mom started bleeding out of her mouth and nose. Not just a little blood, but so much that I had to get a little waste basket. They all came to help me. Mom had to go to the Hospice unit for a few days. I will never forget the call late that night from the Hospice doctor telling me that Mom only had a few days to live. We brought her home and stayed with her constantly. Mom died the following Friday. In fact she died on Friday, the 13th. Hospice had prepared me for what I might see at her passing. She might have eyes opened wide, fists clenched and mouth open.
The night before she died, I g0t in bed with her and read her my prayers, and sang Christmas Hymns to this precious woman that I would not be able to save. When Mom passed she had the sweetest smile on her face and a glow. I knew she had made it home, to Heaven. My word of the day, is strength. Strength to get up each and every day. Strength to always be there for my sisters and brother, whom I love dearly. Strength to endure the loss for years to come.
I have been wanting to write you since you left but I needed a little time. Today is May 13, 2014. I miss you so much. Hope you are enjoying your family in Heaven. Please tell them that I miss them dearly. Mom, I really enjoyed taking care of you and our time together will always have a special place in my heart. I know you protected me the night you died. You knew that my heart would totally break in two if I heard your last breaths. So, somehow you made sure that I went to sleep. A sleep that felt like someone knocked me out. A sleep that only lasted a few minutes, just long enough for you to take your last breath. It was a labor of love to take care of you. I know that Donna, Emma and Lee feel the same way. How blessed I am knowing that the angels were in my home and took you to meet Jesus. Thank you for being the most loving, Mother that God could have ever blessed me with. Until we meet again, I promise to dance, sing and remember your sweet smile. Thank you for the beautiful cardinal sitting on the front porch railing the morning after you took your precious journey. Don’t worry about Donna, Emma and Lee. You know me, I will always look after them.
My heartfelt thoughts………
Life is short. Love your family, make a difference and be a ray of sunshine!